I have had it with doctors. All they do is guess and they don't listen. I would think modern medicine would be like being a detective, getting into the mystery and solving a problem. But I feel it has stopped being about the patient, and is more about what you can throw at the patient and bill for, in order to get paid.
I spent most of 2016 running around doctor appointments for my son. He has a few un-diagnosed conditions that put him in a lot of discomfort and I was his mom. I was going to fix it. Navigating our healthcare system is exhausting. It takes all day to balance accounts, pay health bills, call customer service to straighten out a bill, schedule appointments. I was lucky to be a stay at home mom. It consumed my energy and with my own pain it was enough for me emotionally.
So for 2017 I told myself , no more doctors! I am going to just get back on my best way of eating (#lchf) which made me feel the best. I would drink my water, cut down on coffee and stop seeing doctors. I would find a job, go back to work, and be happy!
I am truly blessed for my kids and husband. I am grateful for all that my husband has done to support me the best he knew how, when I was in agonizing pain emotionally and physically. It drained him. We went to years of marriage therapy together to get him to understand my struggles, be compassionate about how trying to make me happy wasn't the point. Supporting me to find answers. We agreed me going back to work would be best for both of us. My kids are now 7 and 9. I have spent the last 8 years with them, raising them, loving them and being the best mom I knew how to be. I had chronic pain, and it was real, it sucked, but it wasn't going to own me anymore!
I turned yet another corner. I was me, and I was free. I could be who I wanted, and not be who I thought I should be. I said goodbye to the Birth World. See my other blog on being Doula, and childbirth educator. It gave me everything I wanted for myself and my own self worth. Although, it was not my job that should give me those things, it was me, my spouse, and my family that made me whole.
After I realized that the birth world, while amazingly rewarding, was draining my emotional bank. I didn't have any more reserve to give. I need to refuel. I need something else to keep me in motion, but not take away from my family. I would keep chugging along at school and get into nursing one day soon. Or will I?
A second wish in life was to become a nurse, and after several years of schooling and pre-requisites I was ready to apply to Nursing school. But what happened? I got vertigo for 3 months, and it knocked me on my ass. WTF body Why? Not again, what the F&^% are you trying to tell me? I had no idea.
Feeling knocked down, I started sinking into a minor slump. I had to reach down deep and feel it, feel the pain and loss of a goal in life.
BUT I didn't fail, it just wasn't for me. My body wouldn't be able to take being a nurse. It really was the goal of graduating from college with my bachelors. It was something I lost. Something which I never was able to finish because of my first injury. I blamed my pain, again. I didn't want it to stop me from my goal. Seeing the purpose of my goal was hard. I needed to see who I was, and all that I was able to accomplish.
What did I have? Did my goals and vision in life need to be so black and white?
Really, I had everything I ever wanted, a great husband and two wonderful kids. We have a great life. Accepting and being ok with that is a strange thing....it really is. When you grow up like I did, always living in survival mode, your body only knows how to power through and get by. Then when there is nothing to get through, it doesn't know what to do. It may cause drama, pain, something. But I wasn't going to fall into that again. I was going to re-asses and set goals that would be productive yet less emotionally draining.
All I Ever Wanted: I have it! Now What?
How do you make goals you never knew you needed? How do you see what path was set for you in the beginning without knowing your reason for living? We all live every day with a purpose whether we know about it or not. And this time was my time to figure it out.
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