I have had it with doctors. All they do is guess and they don't listen. I would think modern medicine would be like being a detective, getting into the mystery and solving a problem. But I feel it has stopped being about the patient, and is more about what you can throw at the patient and bill for, in order to get paid.
I spent most of 2016 running around doctor appointments for my son. He has a few un-diagnosed conditions that put him in a lot of discomfort and I was his mom. I was going to fix it. Navigating our healthcare system is exhausting. It takes all day to balance accounts, pay health bills, call customer service to straighten out a bill, schedule appointments. I was lucky to be a stay at home mom. It consumed my energy and with my own pain it was enough for me emotionally.
So for 2017 I told myself , no more doctors! I am going to just get back on my best way of eating (#lchf) which made me feel the best. I would drink my water, cut down on coffee and stop seeing doctors. I would find a job, go back to work, and be happy!
I am truly blessed for my kids and husband. I am grateful for all that my husband has done to support me the best he knew how, when I was in agonizing pain emotionally and physically. It drained him. We went to years of marriage therapy together to get him to understand my struggles, be compassionate about how trying to make me happy wasn't the point. Supporting me to find answers. We agreed me going back to work would be best for both of us. My kids are now 7 and 9. I have spent the last 8 years with them, raising them, loving them and being the best mom I knew how to be. I had chronic pain, and it was real, it sucked, but it wasn't going to own me anymore!
I turned yet another corner. I was me, and I was free. I could be who I wanted, and not be who I thought I should be. I said goodbye to the Birth World. See my other blog on being Doula, and childbirth educator. It gave me everything I wanted for myself and my own self worth. Although, it was not my job that should give me those things, it was me, my spouse, and my family that made me whole.
After I realized that the birth world, while amazingly rewarding, was draining my emotional bank. I didn't have any more reserve to give. I need to refuel. I need something else to keep me in motion, but not take away from my family. I would keep chugging along at school and get into nursing one day soon. Or will I?
A second wish in life was to become a nurse, and after several years of schooling and pre-requisites I was ready to apply to Nursing school. But what happened? I got vertigo for 3 months, and it knocked me on my ass. WTF body Why? Not again, what the F&^% are you trying to tell me? I had no idea.
Feeling knocked down, I started sinking into a minor slump. I had to reach down deep and feel it, feel the pain and loss of a goal in life.
BUT I didn't fail, it just wasn't for me. My body wouldn't be able to take being a nurse. It really was the goal of graduating from college with my bachelors. It was something I lost. Something which I never was able to finish because of my first injury. I blamed my pain, again. I didn't want it to stop me from my goal. Seeing the purpose of my goal was hard. I needed to see who I was, and all that I was able to accomplish.
What did I have? Did my goals and vision in life need to be so black and white?
Really, I had everything I ever wanted, a great husband and two wonderful kids. We have a great life. Accepting and being ok with that is a strange thing....it really is. When you grow up like I did, always living in survival mode, your body only knows how to power through and get by. Then when there is nothing to get through, it doesn't know what to do. It may cause drama, pain, something. But I wasn't going to fall into that again. I was going to re-asses and set goals that would be productive yet less emotionally draining.
All I Ever Wanted: I have it! Now What?
How do you make goals you never knew you needed? How do you see what path was set for you in the beginning without knowing your reason for living? We all live every day with a purpose whether we know about it or not. And this time was my time to figure it out.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Baby 2 Came Flying out with Severe Consequences
Alright, I am now married and with one child. We moved so I could be a stay at home mom like I have always wanted. My pregnancies were good. My second pregnancy put a test to my ability to cope with constant pain, which in retrospect now makes me think it was preparing me for the pain after birth as well. I suffered from gall bladder attacks my entire second and third trimester. It was not fun. So a round of pain was endoured during pregnancy. My first pregnancy was for the most part challenging but 3 months were almost pain free because of my blood volume, it was great.
The birth of my first was long like usually for first babies. My second came fast and furious. We planned a home birth and as things got going it felt like getting on the freeway because it was going fast. I felt her head descend, my water broke and I got in the tub. As I tried to sit down in the tub, I felt a tear or a rip of some kind. My birth team assured me it was just her head descending, but I knew better.
When my daughter was about 3 months old i couldn't sleep despite being exhausted, I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't eat despite being hungry. My milk fed my baby fine, but I didn't pump extra. My daughter was a snacker and wanted to be on me all day long. It was fine, I loved her. But I felt awful, I was so tired, so sore. Everything in my mind was consumed by how many steps I had to take to walk to the kitchen and where I was going to sit. Which chair felt best. What place I could lie down, on my side and not get pain in my groin. I thought my sciatica was acting up, the spasms were different though. Squatting hurt, when it use to feel good. My yoga stretches weren't working. Hold my daughter and walking around was nerve wracking because I didn't know if my left leg would give out.
At the same time, my mom and niece moved in with us for various reasons. They helped out a lot, but ultimately had their own lives, and we had to hire a nanny to care for the kids. I couldn't push the stroller to go to the park. One day I would mow the lawn with my daughter on my back and the next week I couldn't get out of bed.
I sought help at 5 months postpartum, and my PCP sent me for a variety of tests all coming back negative, besides a disc bulge. It was not the pain that brought me to tears. I tried PT, acupuncture, Bowen therapy, yoga, massages, and psycho therapy. I saw a clinical psychologist who I talked to, but ultimately didn't help. His couch was thoroughly uncomfortable and he made me take a psych test that ask about thoughts of suicide. I didn't want to kill myself, I wanted help, validation and for someone to find out what was wrong with me! I stop seeing him.
I diagnosed myself with PPD and sought after a therapist that specialized in chronic pain and PPD. It took a few months of trying a few before I found the perfect fit.
My pain continued, ups and downs, good days and bad. I lost weight got fit, and stronger, my pain got worse. I stopped everything, my pain got worse. The good days turned into good weeks. Then a few good months, then when my daughter was 2, my migraines got worse, my periods changed and I started having bladder issues. I couldn't feel when I would have a full bladder until it was so full, then I would empty it and it would be bruised for hours.
My sex life with my husband suffered, sex didn't feel good anymore. I felt dry and it took me days to recover because I didn't feel it, until it was all swollen and sore. I couldn't ride a bike or sit for longer than 10 minutes without getting numb and then having a stabbing pain in my groin. The pain was becoming more centralized. I knew where it was coming from, the general area. I advocated for my self for several years and many doctors of nerve testing, bladder testing, MRIs and xrays and got no where. When my daughter was 5 my Bowen therapists suggesting releasing my illiacus and psoas not just one. This gave me an instant melting away affect. I continued to see him a few times a month and get deep tissue therapeutic massage to breakup the tension that I kept in my sciatic notch. I was lucky I had a supportive husband. We spent thousands of out of pocket money to help me feel better. I lost some more weight and got stronger. I had found a balance.
When my daughter turned 6, I started down the path of pelvic floor physical therapy because sex was getting more difficult and the numbness was spreading all over my left hip, bladders, pelvis, and lady bits.
Being perimenopausal didn't help, it was making things worse. The skin, nerves and bones all start to dry up, not be as lubricated and the friction from movement caused swelling and nerve impingement. Great here we go again!
The birth of my first was long like usually for first babies. My second came fast and furious. We planned a home birth and as things got going it felt like getting on the freeway because it was going fast. I felt her head descend, my water broke and I got in the tub. As I tried to sit down in the tub, I felt a tear or a rip of some kind. My birth team assured me it was just her head descending, but I knew better.
When my daughter was about 3 months old i couldn't sleep despite being exhausted, I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't eat despite being hungry. My milk fed my baby fine, but I didn't pump extra. My daughter was a snacker and wanted to be on me all day long. It was fine, I loved her. But I felt awful, I was so tired, so sore. Everything in my mind was consumed by how many steps I had to take to walk to the kitchen and where I was going to sit. Which chair felt best. What place I could lie down, on my side and not get pain in my groin. I thought my sciatica was acting up, the spasms were different though. Squatting hurt, when it use to feel good. My yoga stretches weren't working. Hold my daughter and walking around was nerve wracking because I didn't know if my left leg would give out.
At the same time, my mom and niece moved in with us for various reasons. They helped out a lot, but ultimately had their own lives, and we had to hire a nanny to care for the kids. I couldn't push the stroller to go to the park. One day I would mow the lawn with my daughter on my back and the next week I couldn't get out of bed.
I sought help at 5 months postpartum, and my PCP sent me for a variety of tests all coming back negative, besides a disc bulge. It was not the pain that brought me to tears. I tried PT, acupuncture, Bowen therapy, yoga, massages, and psycho therapy. I saw a clinical psychologist who I talked to, but ultimately didn't help. His couch was thoroughly uncomfortable and he made me take a psych test that ask about thoughts of suicide. I didn't want to kill myself, I wanted help, validation and for someone to find out what was wrong with me! I stop seeing him.
I diagnosed myself with PPD and sought after a therapist that specialized in chronic pain and PPD. It took a few months of trying a few before I found the perfect fit.
My pain continued, ups and downs, good days and bad. I lost weight got fit, and stronger, my pain got worse. I stopped everything, my pain got worse. The good days turned into good weeks. Then a few good months, then when my daughter was 2, my migraines got worse, my periods changed and I started having bladder issues. I couldn't feel when I would have a full bladder until it was so full, then I would empty it and it would be bruised for hours.
My sex life with my husband suffered, sex didn't feel good anymore. I felt dry and it took me days to recover because I didn't feel it, until it was all swollen and sore. I couldn't ride a bike or sit for longer than 10 minutes without getting numb and then having a stabbing pain in my groin. The pain was becoming more centralized. I knew where it was coming from, the general area. I advocated for my self for several years and many doctors of nerve testing, bladder testing, MRIs and xrays and got no where. When my daughter was 5 my Bowen therapists suggesting releasing my illiacus and psoas not just one. This gave me an instant melting away affect. I continued to see him a few times a month and get deep tissue therapeutic massage to breakup the tension that I kept in my sciatic notch. I was lucky I had a supportive husband. We spent thousands of out of pocket money to help me feel better. I lost some more weight and got stronger. I had found a balance.
When my daughter turned 6, I started down the path of pelvic floor physical therapy because sex was getting more difficult and the numbness was spreading all over my left hip, bladders, pelvis, and lady bits.
Being perimenopausal didn't help, it was making things worse. The skin, nerves and bones all start to dry up, not be as lubricated and the friction from movement caused swelling and nerve impingement. Great here we go again!
Years of Treatments, Guessing and Pain
Fast forward several long years of doctor appointments, Vocational Rehab, finding my restrictions limits and coming to terms this injury is not getting better. I hired a lawyer to help me with my work comp case, and my former employer was completely on my side and understood the injuries I sustained, nothing contested. This road of laws, appointments, paying your bills, filing unemployment, disability and everything was crazy hard to figure out for a 20 year old. Not to mention a huge breakup with my boyfriend left me on my own, fending for myself and figuring out how to survive.
I have to say with all of it, the medication given to me, and the different types of treatments each doctor guessed at, not one time were pain killers offered to me. Crazy to think I was in all the pain, and they only wanted to give me anti-inflammatories (which wrecked my digestive system for life by the way) and nerve blockers that screwed up your head so much you couldn't function. It wasn't a high, it was a mental misfire, and forgetting is not something you want to do when you have numerous doctor appointments, and filings to do just to get a check for $300 so you can feed yourself. I suggest staying away from Neurotin and Gabapentin. They were too harsh for me.
So I continued to play the game, I followed the rules, I filled out all of the millions of forms. The doctors just shuffled me back and forth. The physical therapists were the worst, they tried, but they didn't know what my injury was so for the most part they made my pain worse.
I was 20. Really, at 20 I should have been in the prime of my life having a blast. Not me. I was trying to stay afloat, surviving. I moved a lot, I rented rooms, did burn a few bridges but not on purpose just because I didn't know any better. I don't remember my parents at all during this time. My dad was someone I tried to avoid, and who knows what my mom was doing. I was it, I had me, and I had to make it through each day. Knowing my families histories of drug and alcohol abuse I didn't not turn to substances to mask the pain.
One day I ran into a family I had babysat for in the past. Their kids were older and they offered to pay me to pick the kids up from school and help them with homework. I wasn't working and couldn't pay my bills. It didn't break any rules, watching this kids would allow me to stick to my restrictions and given me some extra cash to make ends meet. This ended up being the best move, because the dad of the kids, knew a doctor an hour away, and he was the best money could buy. This dad got me an appointment to be evaluated. A huge blessing!
After seeing the specialist he agreed to take on my claim. I saw this doctor for 15 years. We tried PT, injections, medications, and finally a new surgery. Over the 15 years, I grew up, got a job closer to the doctor, and transferred my life away from everything I knew to get out of debt and pain. My injury costs me $27k in debt and living expenses. I was able to get the help I needed, land a job, get out of debt, and eventually have surgery. The surgery didn't fix my issue, but made life tolerable as long as I stuck to my restrictions of 20 lbs and no repetitive bending, stooping, lifting or pushing.
Easy right? Wrong, a very big change in life but I eventually figured it out. I have to say that my perseverance and not giving up was a huge factor I was young, I had the energy to fight this battle, but it still drained me. All my lives hopes and dreams changed. But I was lucky, the move and change allowed me to meet my now husband of 15 years. So for that the pain was worth it.
Now to start a family, like I always wanted.....not knowing that would lead me down another path of pain and suffering like I never imagined.
I have to say with all of it, the medication given to me, and the different types of treatments each doctor guessed at, not one time were pain killers offered to me. Crazy to think I was in all the pain, and they only wanted to give me anti-inflammatories (which wrecked my digestive system for life by the way) and nerve blockers that screwed up your head so much you couldn't function. It wasn't a high, it was a mental misfire, and forgetting is not something you want to do when you have numerous doctor appointments, and filings to do just to get a check for $300 so you can feed yourself. I suggest staying away from Neurotin and Gabapentin. They were too harsh for me.
So I continued to play the game, I followed the rules, I filled out all of the millions of forms. The doctors just shuffled me back and forth. The physical therapists were the worst, they tried, but they didn't know what my injury was so for the most part they made my pain worse.
I was 20. Really, at 20 I should have been in the prime of my life having a blast. Not me. I was trying to stay afloat, surviving. I moved a lot, I rented rooms, did burn a few bridges but not on purpose just because I didn't know any better. I don't remember my parents at all during this time. My dad was someone I tried to avoid, and who knows what my mom was doing. I was it, I had me, and I had to make it through each day. Knowing my families histories of drug and alcohol abuse I didn't not turn to substances to mask the pain.
One day I ran into a family I had babysat for in the past. Their kids were older and they offered to pay me to pick the kids up from school and help them with homework. I wasn't working and couldn't pay my bills. It didn't break any rules, watching this kids would allow me to stick to my restrictions and given me some extra cash to make ends meet. This ended up being the best move, because the dad of the kids, knew a doctor an hour away, and he was the best money could buy. This dad got me an appointment to be evaluated. A huge blessing!
After seeing the specialist he agreed to take on my claim. I saw this doctor for 15 years. We tried PT, injections, medications, and finally a new surgery. Over the 15 years, I grew up, got a job closer to the doctor, and transferred my life away from everything I knew to get out of debt and pain. My injury costs me $27k in debt and living expenses. I was able to get the help I needed, land a job, get out of debt, and eventually have surgery. The surgery didn't fix my issue, but made life tolerable as long as I stuck to my restrictions of 20 lbs and no repetitive bending, stooping, lifting or pushing.
Easy right? Wrong, a very big change in life but I eventually figured it out. I have to say that my perseverance and not giving up was a huge factor I was young, I had the energy to fight this battle, but it still drained me. All my lives hopes and dreams changed. But I was lucky, the move and change allowed me to meet my now husband of 15 years. So for that the pain was worth it.
Now to start a family, like I always wanted.....not knowing that would lead me down another path of pain and suffering like I never imagined.
Welcome - Beginning of My Journey
Let me start by saying, Welcome. If you found me in a search I hope my thoughts help you not feel so alone in this journey of chronic pain. Here is my story.
I found myself at age 19 playing in life and enjoying many things. I was in college and about to graduate with my A.S. Degree in Early Childhood Education. I was to get my degree in 1998 at age 20. In April of 1998 I was a preschool teacher for toddlers, ages 10 months to 3 years old. I made $9 dollars an hour. To make a long story very short, I got hurt at work while protecting a large 30 pound two year old. I felt immediate pain in my low back and down my leg. I couldn't walk let alone work. I went home and started to make never ending Dr. Appt's.
Seveal months later- After several attempts at PT and no MRI for 6 months no one knew what might be wrong. They had an idea I might have pulled a muscle in my back. But because I was so young they didn't think it was anything to be worried about.
I was farely active, not in the best shape, but only 119 pounds. I swam in school 3 days a week, rode my bike a lot and also walked everywhere. So not a couch potato. I have always had a little tummy from lack of stomach muscles and hyper-extended spine (curving inwards not hunched).
During these months I could not work. I was making $3.05 per hour on Worker's Compensation Insurance (which is a crock of shit but I will get to that later). On my preschool salary I was able to make ends meet. After my injury I lost everything. After a year of being un-employed and unable to work I was $27k in debt up to my eye balls and nothing to show for it. I made poor choices and moved in with different friends so I didn't have to pay rent. I kept going to school because I was so close to graduating. I wasn't able to sit for the 3.5 hour class lectures anymore and ended up failing my astronomy class. I had to beg my instructor to let me pass so I could graduate. He failed me because I missed to many classes. I also failed one of the tests, but the points I didn't get from missing the first 3 classes after my injury were to blame. He finally gave in when he saw I wasn't graduating because of him. I spend money I didn't have and got further and further into debt.
So a year passing and the outcome is that I finally got an MRI and saw a specialiast in Palo Alto whi read my MRI and said there was a small interior lesion in my disc at L5.S1. I felt a relief that finally after a year in half someone knew why I was in so much pain. The worst part about my pain then, and now is the sciatic pain. I get spasm in my glute muscles and have to stop walking. Shake it out, whimper, scream whatever to get through it. Sometimes it lasts a few minutes in the store, sometimes all day and I can't get out of bed. It was all due to forward bending, lifting anything, or repetative stooping. Eveything a preschool teacher does all the time. The insurance company decided that I needed to be evaluated for possible re-training! What? Weeks away from graduating with a degree working with kids, and BAM, I have to stop working with kids. Yikes, life change!
I found myself at age 19 playing in life and enjoying many things. I was in college and about to graduate with my A.S. Degree in Early Childhood Education. I was to get my degree in 1998 at age 20. In April of 1998 I was a preschool teacher for toddlers, ages 10 months to 3 years old. I made $9 dollars an hour. To make a long story very short, I got hurt at work while protecting a large 30 pound two year old. I felt immediate pain in my low back and down my leg. I couldn't walk let alone work. I went home and started to make never ending Dr. Appt's.
Seveal months later- After several attempts at PT and no MRI for 6 months no one knew what might be wrong. They had an idea I might have pulled a muscle in my back. But because I was so young they didn't think it was anything to be worried about.
I was farely active, not in the best shape, but only 119 pounds. I swam in school 3 days a week, rode my bike a lot and also walked everywhere. So not a couch potato. I have always had a little tummy from lack of stomach muscles and hyper-extended spine (curving inwards not hunched).
During these months I could not work. I was making $3.05 per hour on Worker's Compensation Insurance (which is a crock of shit but I will get to that later). On my preschool salary I was able to make ends meet. After my injury I lost everything. After a year of being un-employed and unable to work I was $27k in debt up to my eye balls and nothing to show for it. I made poor choices and moved in with different friends so I didn't have to pay rent. I kept going to school because I was so close to graduating. I wasn't able to sit for the 3.5 hour class lectures anymore and ended up failing my astronomy class. I had to beg my instructor to let me pass so I could graduate. He failed me because I missed to many classes. I also failed one of the tests, but the points I didn't get from missing the first 3 classes after my injury were to blame. He finally gave in when he saw I wasn't graduating because of him. I spend money I didn't have and got further and further into debt.
So a year passing and the outcome is that I finally got an MRI and saw a specialiast in Palo Alto whi read my MRI and said there was a small interior lesion in my disc at L5.S1. I felt a relief that finally after a year in half someone knew why I was in so much pain. The worst part about my pain then, and now is the sciatic pain. I get spasm in my glute muscles and have to stop walking. Shake it out, whimper, scream whatever to get through it. Sometimes it lasts a few minutes in the store, sometimes all day and I can't get out of bed. It was all due to forward bending, lifting anything, or repetative stooping. Eveything a preschool teacher does all the time. The insurance company decided that I needed to be evaluated for possible re-training! What? Weeks away from graduating with a degree working with kids, and BAM, I have to stop working with kids. Yikes, life change!
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